Joke – can't find the joke category anywhere

HOME Forums Other Stuff Joke – can't find the joke category anywhere

This topic contains 16 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by Bob Williams 2 days, 2 hours ago.

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #16811

    dwynnehugh
    Participant
    @dwynnehugh

    How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

    QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.

    Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

    You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

    ANSWERS:

    English Police  Officer:

    Firstly, the Officer must consider the man’s human rights.

    1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

    2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

    3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

    4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    5) Am I dressed provocatively?

    6) Could I run away?

    7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

    8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

    9)  Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

    10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

    11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

    12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

    13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

    Australian Police  Officer:

    BANG !

    American Police  Officer:

    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !

    ‘Click’…Reload…

    BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !

    Glasgow Police  Officer:

    “Haw, Jimmie….! Drop the wee knifie son;  rite noo, ….unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!”

    • This topic was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by dwynnehugh.
    • This topic was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by dwynnehugh.
    • This topic was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by dwynnehugh.

    The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

Spread the love
Viewing 16 replies - 1 through 16 (of 16 total)
  • Author
    Replies
  • #16821

    Bob Williams
    Participant
    @bullstuff2
    Forumite Points: 3,306

    Too much uncomfortable truth within that joke Dwynne.

    But it made me laugh.😁

    “If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, legendary SF writer.

    0
    0
    #34092

    JayCeeDee
    Participant
    @jayceedee
    Forumite Points: 1,295

    My son just left a poker evening with his firm and the boss is a bit serious about the game. True or not, I don’t know, but he said his wedding vows went a bit like this:-

    It all starts with two hearts and a diamond, but ends up needing a club and a spade!!

    I liked that anyway!!😂😋

    0
    0
    #34114

    Bob Williams
    Participant
    @bullstuff2
    Forumite Points: 3,306

    OK the jokes are back:

    A project manager, software engineer and a hardware engineer are on lunch break in the park. The software engineer sees a shining object in a bush, picks it up, and finding it to be an ancient oil lamp, grins at the others and rubs it. To their astonishment, out pops a Genie.

    “Thank you!” says the Genie, “I have been trapped in there for centuries. You can all have one wish, what is your pleasure?”

    “I would like to be the very rich owner of a Caribbean beach resort.” says the software engineer. He is whizzed off to the Caribbean.

    “I want to be filthy rich too, but owning a lucrative ski resort.” says the hardware engineer. Off he goes.

    The genie looks at the project manager, who looks angry. “What do you want for the last wish?” asks the genie

     

    “I want those two straight back to work after lunch!”

    ***************************************************

    I became wealthy enough to become a Conservative, by betting on the Labour Party to win the 1997 election.

    ***************************************************

    An English tourist visits a Madrid restaurant, looks at the menu and asks “What are cajones?” The waiter explains they are bull testicles, from a bull killed in the bullring. “I’ll try them, try anything once.” says the tourist. He really enjoys them, so returns next day for more of the same.

    The cajones he gets this time are much smaller than the last, but still as tasty so he eats them. “Why were they so small?” He asks the waiter.

     

    “The bull does not always lose, Senor.”

    **************************************************

    “If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, legendary SF writer.

    0
    0
    #34121

    The Duke
    Moderator
    @sgb101
    Forumite Points: 2,567

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man picks up with the speaker phone on and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops talking.

    MAN: ”Hello?”

    WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

    MAN: “Yes.”

    WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

    WOMAN:”I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

    MAN: ”How much?”

    WOMAN: “$50,000.”

    MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

    WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

    MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

    WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

    MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

    He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

    0
    0
    #34159

    Bob Williams
    Participant
    @bullstuff2
    Forumite Points: 3,306

    Steve I told my missus that one. Her reply after a good laugh was “Don’t join a golf club.” I’m still trying to work out what she meant… Anyway –

    A farmer is slowly getting very drunk in his local and this is unusual for him, as he has a small and old-fashioned dairy farm and he cannot afford to drink much. The landlord asks him why he is intent on getting smashed.

    “I was milking Daisy this morning when she kicked out her left leg and knocked over the bucket. So I tied that leg to a post and carried on. Then she kicked out her right leg and knocked over the bucket again. So I tied that leg to the other post and carried on. She knocked over the bucket with her tail next. So I used my belt to tie up her tail to an overhead post.” The farmer takes a big swallow of booze, then another.

    “Then what happened?” asked the landlord.

     

    “Then my trousers fell down and the wife walked into the dairy.”

    ************************************************************

    A woman sitting opposite a fat bloke on the Tube says to him “If that stomach was on a woman I would think she was pregnant.”

    The man sighs.

    “It was. She is.”

    “If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, legendary SF writer.

    0
    0
    #34203

    Bob Williams
    Participant
    @bullstuff2
    Forumite Points: 3,306

    A feminist boards a bus and an old man gets up. “Sit down you misogynistic old fart” she says and pushes him down.

    At the next stop another woman gets on and the old guy gets up again. “Patronising old git!” says this one and he is shoved back down.

    At yet another stop several women get on and the old man gets up again. “Sexist old swine!” says one and pushes him back onto the seat.

     

    “Please, please, let me off this bus!” he wails “I missed my house three stops ago!”

    *****************************************************************************

    A man goes into a fishmongers carrying a salmon under his arm. “Do you make fishcakes?” he asks.

    “Yes we do.” replies the fishmonger.

     

    “Oh good,” says the customer “It’s his birthday.”

    *******************************************************************************

    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”

    *******************************************************************************

    “If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, legendary SF writer.

    0
    0
    #34671

    Bob Williams
    Participant
    @bullstuff2
    Forumite Points: 3,306

    Come on, let’s have a few more jokes, I’m working hard here!

    A widowed couple in their 70’s get married. Both their previous marriages were childless, they were both fit and well, so they asked their doctor about their chances of having a child. “Well,” says the Doc, “There have been some big advances in medical science and you may just be lucky. But I need to know first if you are capable of producing healthy sperm. Take this jar home and…” he tells them what to do.

    The man returns two days later: “How did it go?” says the Doc.

    “Well, I tried my left hand, I tried my right hand. The wife tried her right hand, then her left. Then she took out her teeth and tried with her mouth.”

     

    But it made no difference. Whatever we tried, we couldn’t get the lid off the damned jar.”

    😆 ************************************************************************😆

    A man with no family was on his deathbed. He asked to see his accountant, fixed up his affairs and asked the accountant to see that he was cremated. “What would you like me to do with your ashes afterwards?” asks the accountant.

    “Put them in an envelope and send them to HMRC with this note: Now you have everything!”

    😀***************************************************************************😁

    A man goes to the cinema for the first time in many years, buys his ticket then a bag of popcorn at £2. “Last time I came here, popcorn was much cheaper than that.”

    “Well sir, you will enjoy yourself tonight.”

    “We have sound now.”

     

     

    “If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, legendary SF writer.

    0
    0
    #34787

    dwynnehugh
    Participant
    @dwynnehugh
    Forumite Points: 887

    ‘Someone asked “Why do some British people not like Donald Trump?”

    Nate White, an articulate and witty writer from England, wrote this magnificent response:
    “A few things spring to mind.

    Trump lacks certain qualities which the British traditionally esteem.

    For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awareness, no humility, no honour and no grace – all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed.

    So for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump’s limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.

    Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing – not once, ever.

    I don’t say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility – for us, to lack humour is almost inhuman.

    But with Trump, it’s a fact. He doesn’t even seem to understand what a joke is – his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.

    Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers.

    And scarily, he doesn’t just talk in crude, witless insults – he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.

    There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It’s all surface.

    Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront.

    Well, we don’t. We see it as having no inner world, no soul.

    And in Britain we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist.

    Trump is neither plucky, nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that.

    He’s not even a spoiled rich-boy, or a greedy fat-cat.

    He’s more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.

    And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully.

    That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a snivelling sidekick instead.

    There are unspoken rules to this stuff – the Queensberry rules of basic decency – and he breaks them all. He punches downwards – which a gentleman should, would, could never do – and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless – and he kicks them when they are down.

    So the fact that a significant minority – perhaps a third – of Americans look at what he does, listen to what he says, and then think ‘Yeah, he seems like my kind of guy’ is a matter of some confusion and no little distress to British people, given that:

    * Americans are supposed to be nicer than us, and mostly are.

    * You don’t need a particularly keen eye for detail to spot a few flaws in the man.

    This last point is what especially confuses and dismays British people, and many other people too; his faults seem pretty bloody hard to miss.

    After all, it’s impossible to read a single tweet, or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of shit. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum.

    God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid.

    He makes Nixon look trustworthy and George W look smart.

    In fact, if Frankenstein decided to make a monster assembled entirely from human flaws – he would make a Trump.

    And a remorseful Doctor Frankenstein would clutch out big clumpfuls of hair and scream in anguish:

    ‘My God… what… have… I… created?

    If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set.”‘

    The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

    2
    0
    #34789

    Bob Williams
    Participant
    @bullstuff2
    Forumite Points: 3,306

    A really good breakdown of the person currently debasing the office of PoTUS, Dwynne. Thank you for that.

    I have tried to reconcile the nature and apparent intelligence of the many Americans I have met over the years, with their decision, as a people, to vote this evil, incompetent barsteward into the highest office. What really alarms me is that he is also Commander in Chief of all US forces. I cannot understand why they continue to keep him in office. Nixon was impeached for a simple criminal act, magnified by his high office. Trump has committed so many more crimes, some serious. I am currently reading a biography of the greatest American General and a President of two terms: Grant. It’s a huge book, but a great story about a very common man who was also very human and weak at times, yet rose to become one of the greatest Generals of any nation. He was dirt-poor and castigated both by his own family, his in-laws, and fellow officers struggled with a drink problem and wept at the losses of men who served under him. But the contrasts between a man like that and this worthless excuse for a leader, are glaringly obvious. I recommend the book, which is admittedly heavy and somewhat painful reading at times, but worth the effort.

    For me, his current disgraceful behaviour in engineering the dismissal resignation of Sir Nigel Kim Darroch, our ambassador to the US, is only matched in malevolence by his description of our PM as “Foolish.”

    Foolish she may be, but only we Brits are eligible to say so! Not a puffed-up fat hairsprayed idiot whose policies are aggravating one nation after another.

    “If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, legendary SF writer.

    1
    0
    #34790

    The Duke
    Moderator
    @sgb101
    Forumite Points: 2,567

    Obama was a terrible president non the less.

    0
    1
    #34797

    Bob Williams
    Participant
    @bullstuff2
    Forumite Points: 3,306

    Sorry Steve I can’t agree with that. Obama was a great PoTUS: the difference between his achievements, his personality  and his record compared to the incompetent, lying, warmongering idiot that sits in the Whitehouse now, is becoming clearer with every dumb tweet and speech Trump makes. Read this:

    https://tinyurl.com/yyf89zhl

    Far from Making America Great again, he is alienating friends everywhere.

    “If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, legendary SF writer.

    0
    0
    #34937

    The Duke
    Moderator
    @sgb101
    Forumite Points: 2,567

    Obama ram saying he would stop the drone strikes that Bush and Blair was doing on a weekly basis, two years later he was doing over one a day.

    There is other issue with his tenure to, he failed all over the shop. His last innings was a disaster too, but mainly cos he didn’t have a majority, cos the Democrats had been pushed out pebecause they had go too far left, that for left they was almost right wing tjinging on left issues. Ie militant on Liberal issues.

    Which I don’t have to point out how ironic thst sentence is. But is the main reason trump could stir up the support he needed.

    I’m no trump fan BTW, but Obama failed the coloured folk which he lent upon to get in, and he failed on most of his promises. Never mind making jokes about drone strikes in public.

    Getmo was never closed, and Obama care is a mess, it actually costs the poor more now them the medicare it replaced. A lot more.

    One thing he did have was a good personality. That’s it. He was just another lying politition. Just just like the new fella. For all the hate trump gets he will end up with a second term in 2020. He is still polling well in a lot of the big swing states. Plus the democts are very much in the same state as our own labour party. As much as many of the  the republicans don’t like trump, they won’t vote demo, and he still has the religious right due to his high court appointments . Not a good thing for the nation (imo), but a good thing for trumps future.

    0
    0
    #34938

    Dave Rice
    Moderator
    @ricedg
    Forumite Points: 2,266

    Is there a leader who isn’t a right tw@t? Angela Merkel maybe.

    In the fictional Discworld land of Fourecks (previously known as XXXX or Terror Incognita) all politicians are locked up after they are elected, “because it saves time later”. Not a bad principle.

    1
    0
    #34958

    John Hilton White
    Participant
    @johnhwhite
    Forumite Points: 6

    Hear’s an old Scotch riddlethat I heard around 70 years ago; it could well of been going the rounds north of the Border for a century before that:

    Q. What’s the difference between a rich man, a poor man and a dead man?

    A.  A rich man has a canopy over his bed, a poor man has a cano’ pee under his bed and a dead man cannae pee at all Worse ones to follow soon Cheers, John.

    Why do people ride horses when cows have built in handlebars?

    0
    0
    #34968

    Bob Williams
    Participant
    @bullstuff2
    Forumite Points: 3,306

    Agree to disagree on that one, Steve? Back to the jokes:

    A GP was carrying out memory tests on his older male patients. 3 old guys were in his surgery to be tested.

    “What is two times two?” he asked the first. “228.” was the answer. OH dear, thought the doc and asked the second old fella the same question.

    “Tuesday!” was the answer, after which he asked the third old man “What’s  two times two?”  – “Four.”

    “Excellent, how did you arrive at that answer?” asked the doc.

    “Easy – I just subtracted 228 from Tuesday!”

     

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 2 hours ago by Bob Williams.

    “If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, legendary SF writer.

    0
    0
    #34969

    Bob Williams
    Participant
    @bullstuff2
    Forumite Points: 3,306

    Double post, damnit!

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 2 hours ago by Bob Williams.

    “If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
    ― Philip K. Dick, legendary SF writer.

    0
    0
Viewing 16 replies - 1 through 16 (of 16 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

Spread the love